My Structure: Spiders
A structure I have to deal with all the time is my fear of spiders. Rather than throw people under the bus, I'll just say that when I was young, I repeatedly experienced situations that taught me that spiders were something to be feared greatly. So, ever since then, I do. My structure goes something like this: Emotion-causing event (seeing a spider) leads to emotional structure (feeling intense fear despite a lack of real danger), leads to emotion caused (intense fear), leads to emotion felt (a strong desire to run away), leads to emotion expressed (crying, if the spider is big enough), leads to emotion (not) resolved.
Clearly, this is ridiculous. So, what I've been doing is trying to fix the structure by consciously replacing it with the truth. Every time I have to kill a spider in our house (and boy, oh boy are there a lot of them in this house!) I tell myself, "there's nothing to fear. Even from a truly dangerous spider. It's one/one thousandth as big as you are. Just smush it calmly and move on." And I do. And slowly it is starting to work. I handle the small and medium spiders with little to no emotional upheaval. When it comes to the big and fast spiders, I now usually cry while or after I smash it (or spray it!!!), but I don't run away. And that's progress. Eventually, I'll have enough experiences that show me that spiders aren't really dangerous and then my fear will go away.
Clearly, this is ridiculous. So, what I've been doing is trying to fix the structure by consciously replacing it with the truth. Every time I have to kill a spider in our house (and boy, oh boy are there a lot of them in this house!) I tell myself, "there's nothing to fear. Even from a truly dangerous spider. It's one/one thousandth as big as you are. Just smush it calmly and move on." And I do. And slowly it is starting to work. I handle the small and medium spiders with little to no emotional upheaval. When it comes to the big and fast spiders, I now usually cry while or after I smash it (or spray it!!!), but I don't run away. And that's progress. Eventually, I'll have enough experiences that show me that spiders aren't really dangerous and then my fear will go away.
I have a similar story regarding an extreme fear of needles as a child. Like you, I have used logic and focus to overcome this irrational fear in adulthood by asking myself: "what's the worst that could happen?".
ReplyDeleteMost phobias are born out of the irrational exageration of our inherent (and healthy) 'survival-instinct' fears regarding things such as heights, drowning, snakes, etc. Many are passed on from those we look up to in childhood - 'if my role-model is terrified, then maybe I should be terrified too'... Others are aquired in adulthood as the result of some particular trauma.
It's difficult. Sometimes a structure like that can be overcome through re-focusing. Other times, the structure itself really needs to be understood and then purposely addressed in specific ways for it to get fixed. I think that becomes necessary when the structure is more complex. Fears of spiders and needles are pretty straight forward, so not too complicated to fix. But still a lot of work!
DeleteThanks for your comment.
I already posted a comment, but it was erased!
ReplyDeleteIt's not the one above, is it? If not, try, try again!
DeleteYou're a lesson for us all in emotional processing and stability! :)