Alienation

Do you ever go somewhere and suddenly realize that you aren't like the other people around you?  That, on a fundamental level, you are different?  I bet some of you do.  I've seen enough of this life to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  But I wonder how many of you feel that way because of emotions.

I went somewhere last night where there were a bunch of people interacting.  One of those people was what I call "pushed".  Not physically shoved, but propelled forward by the intensity of their own repressed emotions.  Have you noticed this phenomenon?  It happens to everyone, but sometimes it's a bit more.  And that was the case last night.  It was clear that the "push" wasn't limited to that evening.  This is an on-going problem for that person.  And clearly, it's not my responsibility, so that's not my concern.  

What did concern me, however, was the impact it had on me.  It was clear that the other people were not aware of the push.  My awareness made me an outsider.  It was alienating.  I definitely felt alone.  I took steps to address the alienation, but they failed. The others weren't interested in connection.  So, I'm left feeling isolated, still today.

I recently heard a talk by Thich Nhat Hanh where he says something to the effect of, "people are too concerned with connection".  At first, this shocked me.  I value connection highly.  As he himself says, "we are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." So, connection is important.  He went on to talk about what I would call "hyper-connectedness", such as constant emailing, texting, getting Facebook updates, etc. That's different and doesn't really describe me, so I thought I just misunderstood.  Now I'm not so sure.

What if my problem last night wasn't with the person's "push"?  What if the problem was located in me?  Maybe instead of wanting connection I should be connecting to myself. Maybe that bad feeling inside is caused by my actions, not others'.  I have to admit that the idea makes me a little angry.  I've felt pretty alone for most of my life.  The idea that I might have caused that is upsetting.  I guess there's only one way to find out.  Meditation is a good way to connect to yourself.  It's time for me to return to meditation as a regular aspect of my life to see if developing a stronger connection within will help mitigate these feelings of alienation.